White girl or brown girl, which one you like for your son?

August 27, 2009 at 12:46 am (arranged marriage, Diary, Everyday life situations, gender discrimination, Human Rights, Qatari culture, Society, women)

Few months ago an incident happened that made me think of a lot of things. Things that I have repressed because every time they come back to surface they make me boil. Few months ago my mom told me that there is a family who is interested in me and my sister and want to ask one of us her hand in marriage for their son.

–         Last year when you went to the desert camp with your sister, there was a woman who saw both of you and asked about you.

–         Were you speaking to aunty Dalal?

–         Yes

–         Are you serious? I do not want anything from her side

–         No she has nothing to do with this

–         And they saw us at the desert camp! (I said that in a sarcastic tone)

–         They don’t live in that area at all they were just visiting your grandmother. Don’t worry they are modern people

–         Ok

–         Yes they saw you and you sister and they said that they want either the white one or brown one for their son!

–         Seriously! What are we sheep, white one or brown one!

–         They do not know your names so that’s how they described you.

–         I wont take anyone who didn’t study abroad

–         He is studying in London now

–         Now? What is he? A kid or someone who failed?

–         I do not know, he might be taking a course because he works in RasGaz.

–         I do not know whatever

–         Ok we will ask about him and see

–         Yeah whatever

I tried to be easy on my mom because I know how important this issue is for her. Few weeks have gone by and I thought that they forgot about it. But, my mom called me once when I was going out shopping with my friend Aysha, ironically, shopping for her wedding!

–         Those people called her and want to visit us this weekend.

–         They want to come check on the merchandise?

–         No, they said they want to visit, what am I supposed to tell them no

–         Ok

–         So I want to know if your going to be free this weekend

–         No I am always busy. I already have plans

–         All days

–         Maybe Saturday night. But mom, this is so weird I feel like a sheep or an object being auctioned. And I am not going unless my sister will be there

–         Yes of course that is why I wanted to check with both of you

I tried to be as normal as possible with her. It was so obvious that she was excited and happy, I didn’t want to take this moment away from her. Later she texted me saying that they will come on Sunday. I texted back saying that I have a French lesson so I am going to be late. I was picturing different scenarios in my head, I was thinking too much until I got a headache. I had to let it out, I needed to speak with someone. So I shared my thoughts with my friend Aysha who was shopping with me.

–         Aysha, I feel like I am going crazy here. I cant bare the thought that I might end up with someone I don’t know.

–         Now you know how I felt before getting engaged to someone I didn’t want.

–         Don’t you love your husband

–         I do, we get a long very well. But it is still hard

–         I feel like I am going to cry.

and I really felt like that, because by looking at Aysha I felt like I was looking at myself in the future. Then we both were quiet, each one of us was gone to another world with her thoughts. Aysha probably remembering the past, and I picturing the future. I was her past and she might be my future. Then we changed the mood and laughed about it.

–         I really think this way of getting married is weird, I feel disgusted by it. I really do feel like a sheep you know

–         Why do you think its weird, it is normal here this is the way it has always been.

–         I know, but the fact that they came to pick either me or my sister is disrespectful. As if we have nothing to do but to wait for their son’s choice. Anyways, I am sure they wont like me. I do not even             have to try hard, I can just be myself hahaha

–         Hahahaha yeah you can do that.

–         But you know what bothers me the most.

–         What?

–         We have to go through so many things just because we are girls. Life is very unfair for us simply because of our gender. And what I really do not understand is that women accept this injustice,                 embrace it as part of their belief and pass it on to their children. Why would they do this to themselves? Why don’t they break the cycle?

–         But when your parents say no to something is because they are under pressure from the society.

–         I know and I understand that, I am not questioning my parents, I am questioning the pressure itself, the society.

–         But you did study abroad and you can go out

–         Yes, but it came after tremendous effort! I had to fight, I got those things after being emotionally and psychologically exhausted. Why? Everything is just given to boys!

–         You know parents would say that boys can take care of themselves

–         You know just like I do that this is not true, we took better care of ourselves than boys ever did. The only difference is that they have more muscles. This is what it is  all about, physical power

–         Yes, and because they have this advantage they can take care of themselves. That does not change the fact that everything is given for guys without even asking.

–         I have been mad about that since yesterday, LOL I just wanted to share my thoughts with you.

Then I called my sister, we laughed about the issue and exchanged our thoughts. We totally agree with each other. Then she told me the story of her friends Manal. Manal is a computer engineer like my sister. Her dream was to work in QP. After graduation she got engaged and was very happy about it. My sister expected to see her in QP but months has passed and Manal didn’t show up. Then she met her once at the Ritz Carlton. Manal told her that the reason she didn’t show up is because her husband doesn’t want her to work in QP with men. She is an engineer for God’s sake! What does he expect! My sister was surprised that she agreed to his demands. Now she is staying at home doing nothing. She even applied to the central bank and he refused even though the office she was going to work in was female only except for their boss. I thought “he is sick”. No one thinks like that unless they were really mentally sick and dirty, doesn’t he trust his wife?  and why does he treat her like a property? Then my sister shocked me when she said “he is keeping her hanging while he is studying abroad having all the fund and freedom, he wants her to wait until  he finishes to decide in her matter”. What a pathetic thing to say; to decide on her matter!

As if she is not mentally capable of deciding on her life. No one is protesting about this non-sense, not even the girl. My sister told her “you signed a contract with QP, they have paid for your studies for 5 years, you cant just leave like that”. Manal said “my husband said he will deal with them”. My sister said “when they take you to court, its your name and your matter not his”.Manal told her later on that she is actually heart broken for being controlled and treated that way, and not happy with him, she doesn’t know what to do. And this is their engagement period, they didn’t actually live together yet!

The day came and the guy’s sister and mother came to our house. I don’t know anything about his except that he works in Ras Gaz! My sister and I sat next to each other. We were quiet the whole time. Luckily my auntie and grandmother were there to keep them entertained. The older sister asked my sister “so, where do you work”. My sister said “QP”, the lady looked like she chocked on her tea. She asked me then “where do you work?”. I told her, and she was happy that it was not a mixed gender place. Then she asked “oh really, this is good. How long have you been working there?”. I said “I started right after graduation from UK so about 2 years”. She said “aha”. And that was it. Apparently they didn’t want  girls who are “too exposed”.

My sister and I were very upset when they left. We told our parents that we don’t want to be put in such situation again where someone come to pick either me or her. They should have decided already on that before they come. At least those people did not ask that we must wear niqab, leave work and stop driving cars like others have before we even agree to marry one of their sons !!!

22 Comments

  1. I CARE said,

    I know it’s rude to laugh at a story like this, but can i at least smile?

    You’re right. it’s good that he didn’t ask for niqab and other things that those people do.
    It’s weird how some guys want a well educated girl and other people run away. I tried to understand but i still find it hard to get what those people think of.

    So what if..

    uurrgh, u know what? i have so many things to say and i know i’ll cross every possible line with this. i’m already getting mad at those mentalities. So i better keep it to myself.

    sometimes i wish i was a girl. maybe i would’ve started some kind of a feminist movement. or maybe i would have been stepped on by society, just like every other girl.

    • mimizwords said,

      LOL , yes you can laugh, i laughed about it!

      and please say what’s on your mind, you can say whatever you want here. Maybe its good to cross lines sometimes as long as it doesn’t insult anyone.

      believe me, if you were a girl, you need tremendous strength and determination and forgiveness to go on in this world, as a girl.

      you know what bothers me! its that when men propose and come with all those rules and forbidden actions that the girl has to abide to. They expect the girl to forget about her life, history and become a convenient something for him. He decides on her matters as if she is a child or a retard who cannot think for herself.
      I am not saying that there is anything wrong with wanting a wife who sears niqab or doesn’t work. Its a personal choice. Just like how there are people who choose to work, there are those who don’t. but if you want someone like that, then go look for the right one, don’t pick someone that you like just for her look and ask her to forget about her life and dreams!

  2. B said,

    My friend wants to marry a virgin..he has slept with girls in the past

    My friend wants to marry a devoted, religious woman…for now he wants a “fun” and “outgoing” girlfriend

    My friend is proud of the fact that his sisters are kept indoors and ‘hidden’…for now he would preferably like to be with a Qatari girl

    My friend fancies himself as a religious person

    My friend is a hypocrite…

    …in our society he’s the rule, not the exception *sigh*

    • mimizwords said,

      B

      you said what every girl wants to scream out of agony and injustice .. well done

  3. I CARE said,

    B

    I want your permission to quote what you just wrote in my blog.

  4. What do u think? said,

    • I CARE said,

      hahahahah what’s up with this woman?

      hahahahahhahahaha what an idiot. omg.

      I’ve seen so many similar videos and i, honestly, agree with some of them about certain points.
      but this woman doesn’t know the slightest thing about islam. she’s bullshitting in weird arabic trying to look important.

      lol that just made me laugh. what an ignorant b**ch!

    • mimizwords said,

      hahahhahahahhaah she is so bitter and sad, i think she should get a life and find something else other than sky rocketing and bullshitting about Islam! She obviously doesn’t know what she is talking about. She needs a lesson in history and to open her eyes on the truth. We shouldn’t even bother and reply to what she said. She is obviously a lost case.
      i only agree with what she said about Syria that people are suffering.

  5. B said,

    @ I CARE..

    ‘B’ my guest!😉

  6. Dany said,

    Wow… what a load of crap… (pardon my language…)
    Nowadays… the thing that people would say so just they could appear in TV… just keep on surprising me

    One thing that I would like to point out is, there is a dream for every muslim (true muslim that is..) is to live in a Madani neighborhood, which is a place where Muslims and non Muslims could live together, they can interact in a good way for almost in all aspects in live except when its concerning religion (they don’t get it mixed up with one another). Its all based on the Al Kafirun surah : lakum dinukum waliyadin (which roughly translate: your religion is yours and my religion is mine).

    But the thing is we Muslims usually are very sensitive about our religion, especially when it come to bid’ah and why is there always an idiot who want to go down that road…

    Why the heck is she comparing Muhammad SAW with Jesus Christ, i mean man… talking about morality… they parade that dude half naked on a stick while praying/singing to him, no offense but, but how gay is that… and… no wonder there’s a lot of gay men came from them

    Okay enough of pointing out awesome fact, I also wanna say, im very impressed of u Mimi, u can really make the best of what u got. I mean u stand firm on your believes while still trying to accommodate your mother’s wishes, well that’s really something

    Wassalam

    • mimizwords said,

      Dany

      thank you for your compliment.

    • I CARE said,

      @ Dany

      man.. WHAAAT ?

  7. B said,

    “Why the heck is she comparing Muhammad SAW with Jesus Christ, i mean man… talking about morality… they parade that dude half naked on a stick while praying/singing to him, no offense but, but how gay is that… and… no wonder there’s a lot of gay men came from them”

    Wow, I don’t even know how to dignify that statement with an answer but I’ll try!

    While I agree that a lot of what was said by that woman was in poor taste, you don’t have to disparage christinaity to prove your point. Remember, Jesus christ is just as revered in Islam as our beloved Prophet PBUH. And how, pray tell, did homosexuality come into the mix? not only is it completely irrelevant and not to mention imbecilic, but aren’t you just as guilty of the hate and ignorance she is propogating?

    word of advice, double check what you write before you hit the ‘submit’ button…

  8. Dany said,

    Well it seems u didnt study Islam thoroughly,

    1st We muslims don’t recognized Jesus Christ, we recognized prophet Isa. Although there are idiots who like to think them as the same person, the fact is they are completely two different persons. Its very easy to distinguish them, one is a prophet and the other is the so called 1 and 3, or 3 and 1 Man God (which is mathematically impossible, believe me I know…)

    2nd I stand by my statement, just think about it before u say its irrelevant and imbecilic. Hypothetically, If u raised sons while raising them, u teach them to pray at…. well something like “that”, wont “that” thing increase the chance of your sons to be gay…

    3rd I am sorry, my bad. I shouldn’t said that. I believe there are some truth that are not meant to be told…. I should have been wiser in this Holy month of Ramadhan…

    4th Ooooo… Just for fun… Try google the movie Zeitgeist and Fahrenheit 9/11

    Wassalam

    • B said,

      “Well it seems u didnt study Islam thoroughly,”

      Oh, and I suppose you did? on what authority did you decide that? Oh wait, I guess I shouldn’t expect a reasonable answer from someone who thinks worshipping Jesus makes you gay! *rolls eyes*

      “1st We muslims don’t recognized Jesus Christ, we recognized prophet Isa. Although there are idiots who like to think them as the same person, the fact is they are completely two different persons. Its very easy to distinguish them, one is a prophet and the other is the so called 1 and 3, or 3 and 1 Man God (which is mathematically impossible, believe me I know…)”

      Although I agree that in Islam the concept of the trinity isn’t acknowledged (and personally I believe we’re getting sidetracked here– stop going off on a tangent!) my point was that you shouldn’t denigrate another religion, and Christinaity at that, to defend your faith! Remeber, they are still ‘people of the book’. Otherwise, and I reiterate, your just as guilty of the hatred and ignorance this woman is spewing! I believe that part of my duty as a muslim is to extend compassion towards others, especially during the Holy month of ramadan, because I would like to lead by example. You can’t demand respect if you’re not willing to extend it. Moreover, you’re in no position to speak for all muslims no more than this woman speaks for all non-muslims..you can only speak for yourself. As a muslim, I don’t associate myself with your train of thought at all, so you ought to refrain from saying “we muslims don’t..” next time.

      “2nd I stand by my statement, just think about it before u say its irrelevant and imbecilic. Hypothetically, If u raised sons while raising them, u teach them to pray at…. well something like “that”, wont “that” thing increase the chance of your sons to be gay…”

      Oi, where do I start? ‘that’ thing is a Prophet! a prophet of one of the world’s major monothetic religions of which millions if not billions of people worship! And yes, The reasons for homosexuality AND worshipping a religious figurehead are two *very* different things, and therefore, irrelevant! worshipping Jesus doesn’t make you gay no more than worshipping Prophet Mohammed SAW makes you a terrorist! see…both are ignorant and hateful remarks! Oh, and FYI…gay people aren’t just confined to the West…if you haven’t noticed, they’re all around you! there’s certainly plenty of them here in our region…is Jesus to blame for that too?! ROFL

      “3rd I am sorry, my bad. I shouldn’t said that. I believe there are some truth that are not meant to be told…. I should have been wiser in this Holy month of Ramadhan…”

      Apology accepted, although I would like you to elaborate on the “some truth that are not meant to be told” part…isn’t the truth always meant to be to told?

      “4th Ooooo… Just for fun… Try google the movie Zeitgeist and Fahrenheit 9/11”

      I’ve seen both, what’s your point?

  9. I CARE said,

    hahahahahahahahaha

    this is entertaining!!

    what? jesus makes you gay ? what?

    —-

    B, whoever you are, thanks for saying everything i wanted to say.

  10. mimizwords said,

    ok boys

    we had our fun, each is entitled to his opinion.

    I prefer not to discuss religion on my blog so much. I dont know what was the point of posting the vedio at the first place, it is irrelevent to the topic.

    peace!

  11. Dany said,

    For honoring Mimi,
    I would say no more
    I rest my case

    Wassalam

  12. intlxpatr said,

    Mimi, that was one of the most painful posts I have ever read. It sounded like an auction. The female relatives were so crass! How would you like to be married into a family like that???

    I just read a book that kept me glued, page after page. I think you will like it. It is called http://intlxpatr.wordpress.com/2009/08/20/maggie-ofarrell-and-the-vanishing-act-of-esme-lennox/#comments

    The Vanishing Act of Esme Lennox

    Same situation, different country, different era.

  13. mimizwords said,

    I agree with you, sounds like an auction. But thats the way things are here, and people beleive its normal. And anything other than that is against morality and religion!

    I told a friend who proposed to me to marry her brother that even if i agreed to see him, our engagement period should be long enough for me to know him and love him. She thought i was crazy and unreasonable at all.

    We cant change how people approach this matter by simply discussing it. It needs a deep change or rooted beleifs.

    I would definately not like being married to one of those families, i intend not to let myself go this way. Its my way or no way

  14. intlxpatr said,

    What IS traditional is that we trust God/Allah to bring you the right husband, and that we ask him in our prayers to bless you in that way. Being married can be wonderful, if you are married to the right person. Well, not ALL the time, LOL, but most of the time.🙂

  15. Mael said,

    Hi..I’m a new comer in your nice blog, I might not be late🙂
    I just wanna slightly introduce myself, I come from the biggest moslem population country in the world, but sadly to say nowdays some youth moslems have been influenced by western life style but some still do properly as a moslem. I wanna share a story about friend of mine (he was my classmate in the university) he just got married a couple months ago arranged by his ustadz (a male teacher in Islamic subject) it might culturally be different in Arab land but what I wanna share is his way to follow Islamic rules and our prophet Muhammad SAW. Once upon a time he texted me to say that he’s ready to marry and he already said to his ustadz and he had given his picture and a complete biodata and also his criteria and his planning in the future as well. day by day and week by week his waiting of, finally his ustadz brought to him a picture of akhwat (moslemah) + biodata and the akhwat also handed his picture +biodata, his ustadz gave him a time to answer, when that day came he said OK to his ustadz but it’s not stright off final, his ustadz will contact to ustadzah (a female islamic teacher) to ask what akhwat’s decission, Alhamdulillah akhwat said OK and they were arranged to meet and offcourse accompanied by ustadz and ustadzah, both my friend and akhwat still had a time to think and talk to their family and also ask guidence from Alloh SWT. finally both already got married and they are waiting for their baby.

    To say sorry for a little bit longer story, I tried to shortened but it doesn’t reduce the point of it. The point of my friend’s story is the lady/akhwat still has a right to know more about the candidate of her husband, to know more about other information and she has a right also to refused my friends proposal. anyway I advise you to wathc this movie “Ketika Cinta Bertasbih” it may be uploaded in youtube, you can watch from youtube freely but you may not find english subtitle in part1 and you may get it in part2. I bet you that you will love it because it fully contsints islamic values, this movie phenomenally became popular in my country and other countries.
    this the link for KCB 1

    and this for KCB2

    hope you enjoy it….and I would frequenlty visit your blog next time Insya Alloh…

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