It’s late at night and I can’t fall asleep. I was very tired today and slept for 2 hours during the afternoon. I am frightened from this apartment I am living in; I keep having nightmares about people breaking in. I wake up not knowing if these dreams were true or not, it takes me few minutes to calm down and realize it was a dream. The mailman buzzed the other day and I didn’t answer. He buzzed again and I thought ‘Who would visit me now, it must be a mistake’. When he buzzed for the third time I answered ‘ who is it’. He said ‘mailman’. I buzzed him in, but how would I know he was the mailman, he could be someone pretending to be the mailman and once I open the door he will force himself in. So I go to the kitchen and look for that big Ikea knife, the sharpest I have. For some reason I clean it! I hold it in my left hand and hide it behind my back, I answer the door and the mailman delivers a parcel and leaves. My heart is still beating fast, and I do not comprehend that there is a parcel between my hands. I take few minutes to calm down, to realize that I am still alive and that the mailman didn’t kill me. ‘What is this?’ I wonder. I open it and it’s a gift!
The boiler is making noises and I jump every time I hear something. I stare at the kitchen window which is very big and think it would be very easy to break in through it. I check behind the sofas, under the bed before I sleep. There isn’t enough space for a killer to hide anyway! Double check that everything is safe, and fall again into my nightmares. I don’t know if these are dreams, I swear they are so real. I wake up feeling confused and continue dreaming but with my eyes open. I feel like I am floating, not really living, I do things without being aware that I am doing them. My mind is not with me, it’s like my soul is in another world and my body is functioning here by itself. And that music makes me float even more. And I like not being here. I like that I am somehow in my own world, no one knows where my soul really is. I only come to my senses when I eat, because I truly enjoy the taste of delicious food in my mouth. Only during these moments that my mind comes back to reality. The day ends and I continue dreaming with my eyes shut. The only constant thing between the dream, the food and the dream is the thought of you, and your perfume on the teddy bear.